Loneliness isn’t for me.
In every part of my walk through this crazy life I am living, I have needed a person. For anyone who knows me they would describe me as an extroverted, spontaneous, sarcastic person, which is why loneliness just isn’t for me. Whether you are an introvert or an extrovert I believe that loneliness isn’t for anyone. Nobody deserves to feel lonely and I know this from personal experience.
My story is one that has many twists and turns and ups and downs. I’ve struggled with depression since I was a freshman in high school, and it’s a constant battle. Freshmen year I had just moved back to Texas after living in Singapore for the last four years. When I first was depressed I didn’t know it. I thought the feelings of desperation: anxiousness and intense sadness were a normal part of human nature, right? Well I was definitely wrong. It wasn’t until I just sat in my kitchen and thought of all the things I could use to kill myself that I realized I was depressed. So I fought, boy, did I fight hard. And I won.
However, it wasn’t until two years later when my world came crumbling down. My parents were fighting. I was overworking myself with my job, school, and church volunteering. My brother and sister weren’t living near us because they were both married and had their own lives. And that’s when my depression said, “Hey, did you miss me?” Again, I didn’t realize that I was depressed. I thought I was doing good just texting with my brother and sister for their support. I was working 26-hour week, while still being at church 4 times a week, and trying to cover all the school work I had. I did this because I thought it helped to take my mind off of my hurt. However, working myself like this just made it worse. I was in and out of different counselors because I couldn’t find one that fit. It all began to take a toll.
I came to terms with my depression when I was sitting in the car with my mom as she was driving me to school. She asked, “Do you want to kill yourself?” Because mothers know everything and I replied without thinking, “Yes.” I guess it is what you would call rock bottom. After this my parents helped me to change my schedule to shorter work weeks and to take on less responsibilities in my church volunteering to allow my body to rest. I starting seeing a counselor who helped me understand my depression. She helped me work out ways to find the triggers of my depression and gave me tools to help when I was triggered. My parents started to rebuild their relationship, and I talked to my brother and sister and they helped me. I was starting to get better.
Although, something was still missing. I now know the triggers for my depression. Some were the way I was feeling and how I reacted. I’m an extrovert and I know something is wrong when all I do is go in my room, watch T.V. and introvert. With time, I learned the root of my depression is loneliness. I need people, or at least a person.
That’s what was missing. A person, my person was all I need. So I went through the people in my life. None of them really fit as MY person.
It was the simplest answer to the easiest question ever. I didn’t need a person. I needed my God. There is not one person in this world that can completely understand you, carry you through your depression or anxiety, or be there for you at any time (depression or not) better than God can. Give God your hurt and give God your praise. God is my person, God is your person, God is our God and He will carry you through it all.