Mondays were hard. It was the one weekday I had off from work. I didn’t have a reason to get up. I would sleep until noon in my dark, lonely and quiet room. Any plans I had I was sure to cancel. Mondays had no purpose for me. They were my day to wallow and binge eat whatever sugary treat I could get my hands on. When I would finally pull myself out of bed it would be fully motivated by the shame of my husband coming home from work to see his lifeless wife lying on our little futon mattress. That scene would give away my lack of productivity for the day. It would remind him that he married a broken mess. A failure.
I would force myself out of bed, find a snack and turn on Netflix. There was nothing Gilmore Girls couldn’t heal. Or maybe numb would be a more accurate word. It’s hard to tell the difference between healing and being numb in the depths of this sickness. I would wait until I knew Jake was about half an hour from being home, then get dressed and put myself in a position that looked like I had kept busy all day. I'm not sure if I ever truly deceived him. Maybe I was purely deceiving myself.
These Mondays spent cooped up inside with no connection with the outside world were deadly.
My counselor used to tell me, “Depression’s best friend is isolation.”
I guess that was pretty accurate.
This routine wasn’t just my Monday tradition – this was my life.
I pushed everyone who showed any interested of being near me away. I don’t need people, I constantly thought. I didn’t need the fear of potential hurt they could cause. It was easier to be alone.
My healing couldn’t begin in that environment. That’s like asking a dried up plant to grow and be restored in a dark closet without water.
Friends, to find healing I had to look outside my front door. I had to get outside and risk getting hurt. I had to reach out to people who I KNEW had the power to hurt me. I had to decide that healing and growth were more important than security.
If you find yourself isolated today, if you find yourself terrified of what the outside world can do….be encouraged. Be encouraged to fight. You are a warrior. Soak. That. In.
You don’t need the dark walls of your room to keep you alive.
You need the FIGHT to keep you alive.
Reach out today.
Show yourself that you are in fact a beautiful, strong warrior.