Wow. I am really doing this. *takes deep breaths*
I do not know why I am about to tell people on the internet my story.. I have been hesitating for a while honestly. I just cannot shake off the constant urge to tell people what I have been through.
I am praying that maybe, just maybe, my story will help that one person who wrote a suicide note last night. I am praying my story will help that one person who had a daily routine of putting a razor to her wrist. I am praying my story will help that person who cries themselves to sleep every night.
I am praying my story gives someone hope.
I do not know where to begin, so I guess I will start by saying that depression is real. Everything that is being felt during this time is real. It definitely rips you from life itself.
My depression really distanced me from God for a long time. Although I grew up in a Christian home with parents that always instilled in me the faith I hold firmly to today, I still always felt like God was not that loving God everyone made Him out to be.
All throughout middle school I was teased a lot. During that time, my grandmother had also passed away. It got to a point where I had very little to no self love. Anything that went wrong in my life I would take it upon myself to deal with it through harming myself.
After middle school, my family and I moved to a different city. I was excited; I was ready for a new environment and a change. Unfortunately, the change was a long and slow process. I started high school and although I was never teased like I was before, my insecurities really showed. My mind was always running with hateful thoughts about myself and I couldn't go anywhere without the sharp blade of a razor. I could barely stay in a class without leaving to the counselor’s office in tears.
During this time, I began to have suicidal thoughts. I was taken out of school for about two weeks for therapy. I hated it. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was wasting my life away. I constantly felt like I let myself down as well as the people around me. I flew by my therapy sessions as quick as I could in order to get cleared again for school. I went through high school the best I could, making sure I was involved in extracurricular activities to keep myself busy.
QUICK NOTE: If I could give any advice to my younger self, I would tell her that needing help does NOT in anyway make you a failure. It does NOT mean you are stupid or letting people down. On the contrary, to finally be able to ask for help and talk things through makes you BRAVE. Depression is not a solo journey. Although it may seem extremely lonely at times, you are not meant to go through it alone.
Fast forward to college and I got hooked into a bible study as well as a new church that helped me find stable friends and a community. Slowly my negative views about myself started to change. Things were going well during my first two years of college. Towards the end I started to struggle with my grades and lost my admission to the school I was accepted into. It felt like my world was falling apart again. I remember turning back to self-harming after that big disappointment.
My biggest break through was on July 9, 2015 when I decided to get baptized. In just a year God started to show me his healing power. Does that mean life is easier? Absolutely NOT. I still have my shaky moments. I still get my temptations. But here is something I am sure of.. We serve a BIG GOD.
When life was looking good I would praise him, when things were becoming overwhelming I would cry out to him and slowly realized that I did not need to depend on self-harm.
Friends, maybe you are going through something similar. Maybe your self-confidence is close to nothing and you feel hopeless and alone. As cliché as this may sound, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Do not let your mind play tricks on you. Get the help that you need and embrace yourself with friends and family.
Nikki’s story was originally posted on her personal blog at www.herdaringthoughts.blogspot.com.